“Life is not what we live; it is what we imagine we are living.”
― Pascal Mercier, Night Train to Lisbon
― Pascal Mercier, Night Train to Lisbon
I truly wish sometimes I could "come down". Come down from the constant movie I live in. All around me seems to sparkle, every moment of my life has its own song and every song I am passionate about has a feeling associated to it. I just can't stop thinking and feeling so much about everything. Sometimes, I sit in my terrace getting some sun and, out of nothing, I have spectacular thoughts about the most little and insignificant things about life and the world and the universe and the things around us, and I laugh at myself alone, but I have the feeling I'm crazy and if I really tell these things to other people, they would mock me for it (and sometimes they do). Because it's just not normal. But sometimes I wish I could just live normally. I really do. As a normal person. I seriously do. I seriously wish for one day, things, people and situations could get by me as nothing really matters. I would like not to be so overwhelmed by everything all the time, that everything wouldn't have all this drama and movie-like intensity I feel it has.
But only for one day, just to see how "normal" people live. Then, I would like to come back to the cloud I live in, to the wonderland I create, because it's really wonderful to live like this. If I'm happy like this, why should I change, after all? Because people say so? One day I'll die and take nothing with me, except for myself. It is, indeed, with myself that I wake up every morning and go to sleep every night, it is me who looks at myself in the mirror everyday, I'm the one feeling the pain of my battles, I'm the one feeling the happiness of my conquers and little victories of everyday. So , ultimately, I'm the one to please first other than the others, and if I feel like living this way, let me live this way. I don't always think people get me, understand me, and very little know me for who I really am. Sometimes I feel a bit uncomprehended/misunderstood for seeing and living things differently and a little bit outside of the box... kind of like the little Prince (of the book) when he drew an elephant inside a snake (or a snake after eating an elephant) and the grown-up people, the people who think they know everything, saw a hat and asked him why would they be afraid of hats. Yes, that's it: one of my fundamental problems in life was always that I am too different from most of the people in the world and have a hard time adapting sometimes, just like a little child among grown-ups who thing they know everything.
I know at least I don't let life pass me by and I live it to its most. I know I'm alive from the very moment I wake up, until the moment when I go to sleep, and even my dreams are the craziest ever. I have life in its purest state, running through my veins.Yes, I'm naive, I'm a pure dreamer and I always see the best out of things and people. That can sometimes be worth of some disappointments, tears of hurt (there it is, the dramatic Claudia) , feeling of unfairness and sadness for sometimes seeing so much anger, range, bad will or resentment in other people (and I don't think anyone should live with so much hate inside, seriously, it's just too bad for you, much worse than smoking). But ultimately, for how many "wake up calls" I might have, at the end of the day, I can go to sleep with my conscious clean, I can say I did try my best to be the best person I can, and admit to myself I'm a happy person and no one, for how much they hurt me or disapprove me, can take that happiness away from me. It's an immense inner peace, a peace with myself, because I live up to what think life should be, I stand up to what I truly believe, be it acceptable by other people or not. It was (and still is, it never stops, fortunately) a long way to discover my true self, a long self-acceptance path, learning who I am, what I like, what I am passionate about, which kind of people I want to be around me, which kind of influence I want them to have, what kind of things I want to do and especially what I definitely DON'T want in my life, and how to be in peace with it and even spread it around me.
But I always live in such a beautiful way and always try to make other people live like that (I don't think I' successful in that, by the way, but at least I try, and it is as I always say: I may not follow the society rules, I may not follow any religion, I may have little morals and way too subjective concepts of what's right or wrong, but ultimately, I always want and wish the best for others and promote the good. I am not even a person who likes to keep resentments and even to the people that hurt me I wish the best). Even the down and most depressive moments of my life, always found a way to turn them around with sparkle, like glitters in the air, like a drama movie that ends up badly but has so much magic to it. It's like I live in a dream and sometimes people point it at me as a flaw...but why a flaw? Why not a virtue? Why should I ever "wake up"? Maybe I already did but want to pretend I didn't? Who knows? I, myself, am not even so sure about it, I'm too flexible, too open, too tolerant, too permissive of anything and with a much wider notion of "possible" than most people.
After all, it's all a matter of perspective......
I was already compared to an equation, from that point on, anything is possible.